In under two weeks time, a seemingly fictitious compilation of players and animals will don the black and white stripes, uncannily resembling the referee, to play a game of football. This team, is the almighty Karori Boomers. This new faction of the Karori Waterside club will add to its already prestigious hall of fame that includes names such as Tim Brown, Simon Elliott and Duncan Oughton. The league they will take part in, will be that of the no-nonsense Capital 5. Although it is situated in the middle realms of Wellington Football, it is of such a standard that referee's are strictly regulated, so much so that now they do not exist in Capital 5. The title of composer and blacksmith of the squad rightfully falls on the uncompromising Jesse Stratford [Strafford], who enjoys his name being misspelled it must be said. The profiles of each player and his attributes is as follows.
GK: Michael Candy. The teams smiling assassin. The lanky Hamiltonian, came into the squad late due to his onerous contract demands. After several contract negotiations with assistant manager Jacob McSweeny, who was adamant to sign the cheesy goalkeeper, he agreed to sign only a few days ago with a contract that allows himself and Bascand to perform duties outside the box. This is only expected to happen late in a game and if the result is well and truly sealed.
DEF: John Mortimer. Often referred to by friends as JMorts or J.Grylls for his physique, innovation and all-round practicality. The man is at this current stage unable to train due to the fact he is currently holding Wellington's tectonic plates in place. He is a personal nemesis of Ken Ring. Heroic man, but very modest, will likely be a strong addition as a left, right and even cover at centre back.
DEF: Raiko Shareef. The bony-framed overseas international is currently on loan from VB Sports Club and is owned by Kia Joorabchian, the agent/tyrant who also owns Carlos Tevez. It is rumoured that Shareef, Joorabchian and Tevez often have linked conversations over Skype. Shareef will most probably come in as a centre back, in competition with Wetherhill and the anonymous Palmerston North-born Brazilian Jesse (not to be confused with Strafford). As well as centre back, Shareef will also be a probable option at full back.
DEF/MID: Sammy Clark. The agile and nippy left sided player is known for his vision and touch. Although his transfer from a cricket club has meant he is yet to appear in training, he will be a key addition to the squad. His position isn't really concrete and could yet be decided after two or three games. Other notable football achievements: 5mins up front in Capital 2. He will bring crucial experience from the dizzying heights of the higher leagues of Wellington football.
DEF/MID: Vikram Jayawant. The anonymous slum-dog millionaire will bring both flamboyancy and mystery to the squad. His fitness and mental stability will be tested throughout the season and he has been tipped as the next poster boy for the next KFC advertising campaign.
DEF/MID: Jesse Strafford. The team's engine room and player coach. Strafford will bring a calm stability to the midfield and dictate games. If he doesn't he'll be fucken angry (see pic). Will have a lot of pressure as to the selection of starting lineup but he should be able to cope. A likely penalty taker. Will have fitness and alcohol issues but this is expected.
MID: Kris Shannon. The Hamilton born midfielder will struggle to get past Hamilton-born connotations. Looks a solid central midfielder with good distribution skills that will help the team gel. Due to low literacy rates in Hamilton, his communication and English speaking and listening skills could pose as a barrier.
Director of Football: Alex Danger Rothman. Is a twat. Had his contract offer (as a player) removed after his weak FIFA performances were noted by management. Since then he has taken up a small part-time backroom position as Director of Football. As a result his photo is smaller than everyone else's.
ST: Blaine Abraham. 'Boob' is expected to play a pivotal hold-up role up front for the Boomers. It will be interesting to see how he performs in front of goal as well as his collaboration with long-time nemesis Dave Williams. Manager Strafford may have a very short straw with Abraham and as a result the burly forward may be under the pump a bit.
ST: Austin Burgess. Badger is likely to be fighting with Abraham for the second strikers position alongside Dave Williams this season. Badger has a leathal shot, good strength and either a relentless carelessness or a very courageous way of playing football. The (wish I could say burly again) striker has experience in Wellington football with several University sides, most recently the Uni Rangers who's average result last year was a 7-7 draw in the Cap 10 division. Although Badger comes from pastures where defending isn't recognised as necessary, he will adapt to better defending and be a good source of goals.
ST: Dave Williams. Private Williams will head the Boomers frontline and looks very much the part. Although he can be described as a bit chubby, he has good pace and strength that will allow him to succeed at this level. A strong finish means he is likely to be favourite for golden boot along with Z Meyers.
MID/ST: Zak Meyers. The picturesque talented attacker will be the hub of Boomers attack. Most attacks, assists are likely to have Meyers creating at the middle of them. He is known for his one-shoe antics in indoor football and we can only hope he turns up to the first game with two boots. Also likely to be performing Justin Bieber cover songs during half time.
